Two Poems by Kevin Ridgeway

Cock-Blocked by Robert Stack and the Pillsbury Doughboy

twelve years old
and lying flat on the
pink fuzzy bath mat
of the only bathroom
in the house,
the sink running
two feet resting against
the door, a pair of
Wrangler jeans wrapped
around twin ankles,
a wrinkled picture
of Barbara Stanwyck
in a negligee
cut out of a movie
magazine taped
on the wall at eye level,
hard at work and
nearly--

there is a loud
knock at the door.
my mother asks if
I am alright.

Yes, I yell back.

she asks me to hurry,
that Unsolved Mysteries
is about to come on.

at work fast.
Stanwyck sneers
with absolute
disgust as I am
just about to--

another knock and
hollers to hurry.
the creepy music and
Robert Stack's voice
ruin everything.

I walk out with my
Fred Flintstone t shirt
stretched to conceal
the miniature failure while
the Pillsbury Doughboy
giggles with delight from
a commercial; I bet his
mother gave that little
bastard plenty of time to
finish up.



The Macauley Culkin Lookalike Contest

you've got the goods, kid
the talent agent told me
after I wowed him with
a monologue from
Eddie and the Cruisers 2:
Eddie Lives!
and all his fellow
agents agreed that I
could very well be
the next tow-headed
miniature billion
dollar franchise
to sink
his Velcro shoes
in Chinese Theatre
concrete, immortalized
forever in between
Ethel Merman and
Billy Dee Williams

my hair was saturated
in Sun-In for each casting
call, where me and hundreds
of other kids ran our lines
from the same three page
scene in competition for
the coveted role as
Alan Thicke's son
in a sitcom pilot,
which I came very close
to landing but they
complained that I was too
reminiscent of Macauley,
which all of the casting
directors said until I called
it quits.

my headshot still greets
me from mother's wall,
a stark reminder that I
am a generic label
knockoff, one of
thousands of bastard
Culkins who never
amassed fortunes or
hung out with Michael
Jackson and Bubbles,
only to grow up to have
kids at Jamba Juice tell
them they look like
the fat guy from
The Hangover.