Guinness by Christopher Nosnibor

"Fuckin' 'ell, did you hear her goin' on the other day about how she used to wet the bed up to when she was seventeen or eighteen? That's pretty fucked up. I mean, I can't remember pissin' the bed ever, so I must've stopped when I was a young nipper, y'know, like normal, four or summat.

"Mind you, I've got a mate who shits the bed every time he gets pissed. Whenever he goes out drinking, he just fuckin' shits the bed. I mean, you just wouldn't. I don't know what I'd do if that was me. Imagine pullin' some bird down the club an' 'avin' to explain that to in the morning. Be like in Trainspotting. 'E Imac'd 'is arse once, too, said it made his arsehole really sweaty, like, an' every time 'e farted he thought 'e'd shat 'imsen. Fuckin' lunatic.

"I've only shat mesen a couplea times, that I can remember, like, y'know, recently I mean. Last Friday was I was off I 'ad the worst fuckin' diarrhoea. I was 'ammered an' 'ad a KFC on the way 'ome. I was starvin' and got meself a family bucket and just chowed it all down and I reckon that's what did it. I got up ok an' I was all ready for work – would've been the earliest I'd made it in in ages, too – and then just as I was ready to go it just bubbled out an' I thought, 'Shit. For fuck's sake.'

"The other time I'd been on the Guinness. Really canin' it, 'y'know. Y'know 'ow it is after a few too many points o' Guinness. Guinness makes yer shit. So I'd 'ad a few and turned up at the Cellars and was just desperate fer a bab. I mean I was proper pissed already like an' was just goin' fer the bogs an' I farted an' I thought 'Oh, hello,' an' I just knew I'd followed through.

"So I got into the cubicle an' pulled me trousers an' that down, an' it was a right fuckin' mess, an' so I de-kegged an' there was no fuckin' bog roll so I just had to wipe round a bit after I'd taken a shit an' then drop me boxers down the side o' the bog.

"It was the only time I've had to seriously throw some bird off, that was well up ferrit an' I'd not o' minded hangin' out the backa, y'know. I 'ad to come up with some excuse, an' it was the worst excuse ever. I told her I was shy! Me, fuckin' shy!

"But I'd pulled this lass an' we'd gone back to mine an' she was well up ferrit, an' she was tryin' t' pull me fuckin' trousers down an' tryin' ter suck me off, like, y'know, an' I was thinkin' 'Nooo, gerroff! I might have flakes o' shit 'n' that all in me trews,' an' I didn't know what to say so I'm pullin' away and I'm there pushin' 'er off an' she was pullin' me kecks down an' grabbin' at ma knob an' that an' she said, 'What's wrong?'

"An' I was like, 'Shit,' I don't know what to say, an' completely stuck for somethin' I say, 'Oh, I'm shy!' Fuckin' nuts, can you believe it? Yeah, so I sad, 'Oh, I'm really shy,' cause I couldn't exactly say 'I shat mesen,' y'know?

"Don't go writin' that into one of your stories.... daagh, fuck it, no fucker'd ever believe it anyway..."