i am a stranger to myself
tired and drawn and stubbly and old-
my age ENORMOUS
like i landed suddenly in my future
enormous alien hands
maintenance meccanno of the soft machine.
the hospital. all my clothes are too big now.
he’s looking at me from behind deep glass
a service lift mirror.
HELLO YOU i am saying.
all this/the drunk rubbish/the drugs and whatever
the mystery of it all
under light night skies of silence and diamond
it all feels glorious and like there’s answers just in front of
in the dark sky – just there
those bleak mornings SHIT!
those 3 AMs when i held the dread inside me
as still as i could
with a balled up pillow.
those panic steps to the toilet bowl FUCK!
those nights JESUS! – the stale tv/pointless books/nothing for me/even music MUSIC! was irritating and trivial.
those morning dew fields like holograms in the science museum
the sunrise views like they’re
those forced Saturdays going out anywhere at all
with all the cigarettes all the time.
those slow steps thru CGI nature 1000 miles away.
the world so solid and heavy on my soles pushing up!
those cold Sundays MY GOD!
that frozen up white noise in my head – couldn’t think
ran . . . tears hidden in sweat.
those moments CHRIST - those moments
lost my mind.
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